|
the beginning. it's scary knowing that another life depends on you. that it depends on you for the most basic of human needs. that it finds it's warmth, it's food, it's drink, it's very essence from inside you. that you have to supply it's every waking need. you have to be prepared to go to the farthest limit, to push yourself beyond normal boundaries. it's scary knowing you're body has to change so much in so little time. it's scary knowing your youth, your fun, your very existance has been changed, sucked away. i had heard of people saying that they woke up one day and their whole lives had changed, and that literally happened to me. one day i went to bed a 17 year old girl, the next day i woke up a 17 year old mommy to be. not only that, i am a student, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a girlfriend, a girl. life couldn't have changed more drastically, and i'm still not so sure i want it to be happening. i go through periods where i absolutely love the little life growing inside of me. then i go through periods, like this week, where i want it to be done and out of me, given to someone else to deal with. but part of me feels that would be so harsh. it's the selfish part of me that wants to ignore it all and continue the life before it. but i can't. i had that option, i couldn't take it. i couldn't kill the life growing inside of me. and still today, i couldn't. i have a few pregnancy books that discuss every aspect of pregnancy. but they aren't for teenagers. where's the 'what to expect when you're expecting when you're a teen'? why can't someone tell me it's normal or abnormal to feel some of the things i feel? like dread, fear, apprehension, bitterness, denial, among others. there's good things, too. but right now i'm terrified. what if i make the wrong decision? what if i'm not ready to handle this yet? am i ready to handle the ridicule? the looks? the whispers? i feel so alone. there's no one for me to talk to about this. what if i can't bring myself to give this baby away? it's not just me, he's here too. i can't force him to go along with something he's not fully into. i'm scared. and i feel alone. abandoned. the few people i talk to try to push their beliefs on me. it's mostly family. he has been wonderful and supportive through this, but i can tell it's starting to really wear on him. i can tell he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. neither do i. i want it out of me. i'm sick of it. i want someone else to carry it, deliver it, bring it up. but i have to carry it and deliver it. i'm not sure if i can possibly provide the kind of life a growing child needs. we have names picked out. we found a carseat today we both like. is this really happening? my belly is growing. only because i'm so tiny. i'm only three months. next week will start my 4th month. i can't wait to see the next saunagram. i can't wait to hear the heartbeat. i can't wait to see it for the first time. to hold it. to tell it i love it. i want to know if it's a boy or a girl. i don't want anyone to know. no one from my old school, none of my old friends, no one. they would all look down on me. i'd be just another pregnant chick. except i never slept around. i've slept with 2 people. one i was with for a year. the other i'm still with, the father. we've been together almost 9 months. it's so ironic. but i love him. and he loves me. and i feel horrible. this diary will journey with me through these 9 (now about 5) long months. we'll see what happens. Miss Anything? |
Content � ababystory | Design � Vitriol | Hosted by Dland |