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morning sickness
2002-07-29 | 2:00 p.m.

whoever named morning sickness needs to be shot in the head. i have spent all morning until about an hour ago with my head in a garbage can throwing up. morning sickness. right. the only reason i stopped throwing up are the powerful pills the hospital gave me. i have to take two instead of one. i'm so terrified that the 'morning' sickness will last the whole 9 months. this week starts my 14th week. there are 49 total. so that makes about 35 weeks.

next week i have my second appointment with the ob/gyn. i get to have another saunagram (that isn't to see about abortion and that isn't in the hospital because i've been so sick). i get to see the baby again. maybe find out if its a boy or a girl. i get to hear the heartbeat too.

i'm becoming desperate to feel anything but antagonistic towards this developing baby. i want it out of me. i want it to stop growing so calm and stress free inside of me. it doesn't have to suffer the looks and stares. though i'm not showing yet, but i can't fit into my other clothes. i had to go to k-mart a week or so ago to look at maternity clothes. they had NOTHING but stuff for older people. the shorts go down past my knees. which, hey, once i start getting big stylish is the last thing on my mind (which, i've never been very style conscious). but the shirts are like tents. i've been petite for as long as i can remember. 5 foot 4 inches and about 120 pounds. a size 7. this means nothing to people who don't live in the states, but still. i've been tiny. average height, slender. now i have to worry about gaining weight for a baby. i have lost weight because of being so sick. my waist is still expanding, though only a little, but since i'm so thin, or was so thin, whatever, i'll probably start showing sooner than most. my due date is january 29th. one book i got said that you start showing in august or september if your due date was in january or february. i have to excersize, which i have always hated. i have to eat right, which doesn't matter, i can't eat fast food or anything that most people find yummy.

my sister doesn't even want me to think about keeping this baby. i admit i am torn in half over what to do. but i always wanted my sisters support. she has three children. i thought i could go to her and ask her about what to expect, see what the delivery is like, see if i could get maternity clothes from her, see if i could borrow some baby stuff if i decide to keep the baby. she's only talked to me once throughout this whole thing and my mom has told me things she says and it breaks my heart. i can understand her not wanting her kids to know about babies born out of wedlock. but i'm her baby sister. i guess i just feel so alone.

my brother is a complete asshole. he called me a hooch the other day. and that hurt. when he found out i was pregnant he actually cheered. he clapped and said "yes! i was just hoping she would be the other day!" and that hurt. it's like. he doesn't care. he doesn't care if he hurts me.

my sister-in-law has been alright. very supportive. she had a baby when she was 21 and not married. she married my brother, who is the babies dad. but still. she's been nice.

my parents have been ok. my dad is an asshole. but my mom has been nice. my boyfriends parents are excited over the prospect of a grandchild.

he and i are torn. we don't know what to think. we are wondering if we are ready to give up being teenagers to take care of a baby. we don't totally know if we're ready to give up this baby. last night he and i were renting a movie and he talks about the baby like he already cares about it. maybe he does and he's just hiding it. but both of us are torn. i'm torn in every direction. i'm so exhausted all the time. from puking and being scared and confused.

my mom wants me to write a book about being a teenage mom to be. i want to. but i'm terrified this baby will see it, or read it, and will be terribly hurt that i considered abortion. but i didn't consider it because i didn't want the baby. i considered it for fear of everything. i couldn't have gone through it. and i only considered it a few days before i knew in my heart that i couldn't kill this little being. i love it already.

argh. i'm tired. i might write later. but i feel like i'm going to fall over.

until next time.

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