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mad. i don't know if i'm ready to handle this. i don't know if i'm ready to take on full blown responsibility. everyone is acting (with the exception of him) that it's making their life so horrible. and i'm getting fed up with it. i'm pissed. and i'm back in the same fucking depression i just got out of like. tuesday. i hate it when people spell it out to me like i'm a fucking idiot. like they know that i'll never be able to do this. and that if josh leaves i'm out on my ass. well whatever. i don't even know if i want to keep the kid. it's becoming more and more apparent that i'm just not ready. i'm barely able to handle the 9 months. i feel sick everyday and on the verge of collapsing and i have to tiptoe around everyone. literally. people flip out at me for nothing, even if i didn't do anything. my mom gets mad that i hate my dad. go figure. she gets mad at everyone for hating him. all she does is defend my sister when my sister really really hurt me. i don't give a shit if my niece is turning 6. i want to be an immature 17 year old and blow the whole fucking thing off. but no. i'm an adult now. i have to handle things in an adult way. nothing is fun anymore. anytime i go out and do something it is always overweighed by the fact that this is the end to all fun. i'm not going to be 18 and a senior in high school. i'm going to be an 18 year old struggling to finish her 11th grade year and starting her 12th grade year, while maintaining myself enough to nurture a baby. hopefully someday soon the goddamned throwing up will stop. but i've had it. i've had it with feeling sick. with feeling physically weak. like i can't do anything because it will cost someone else money. i'm sick of people hanging it over my head that i don't have a job. well. soon. i'll be taking care of a baby full time, finishing high school, and going to work. the boyfriend is going to be busy with college, high school, and work. he complains he has no fun anymore and i don't know what to do about it. there's nothing i can do. i do my best. i try to keep happy around everyone. but i feel like crying. people keep snapping at me. no one realizes that this isn't just my life. there is no singular when referring to myself. it's not just about me. i have someone else to worry about 24 hours a day. and going to work, or playing video games, or going shopping, or talking on the phone, or going to work, or laying down will not make it go away. nothing will. every task i do, i think about how it will affect the baby. every pain i feel in my abdomen or stomach, i think how it will affect the baby. everytime i take my pills to keep from totally losing it, i think how it will affect the baby. i have to ginish high school, i have to stay healthy, i have to stay de-stressed because it will harm the baby. no one gives a shit about me anymore. it's all about the baby. the baby this and the baby that. it's not like i mattered much to begin with to my family, but still. all anyone cares about is the wellbeing of the baby. i understand it's important but i feel like the shipment vessel. i'm just here to haul around the load, to go through all the changes, to be emotional and unstable and feel like shit for 9 months so everyone can be so pleased about the baby. all his parents care about is the baby, all my mom cares about is the baby. everyone keeps telling me to make sure i know the baby is important. and all i get is 'i can't believe you did this.' or 'i don't know what possessed you to do this.' well it's not like i don't feel like shit enough already, why don't we just compound it! i wake up every day with a million things i have to do. i can't even consider what i want to do anymore. i have to work on homework, i have to clean my room, i have to help my mom around the house, i have to take care of myself for the baby. it doesn't matter if i want to read, or go see a movie, or go to the mall, or do anything. life lost it's fun. there is absolutely no fun. none. i'm so fucking overwhelmed with school and maintaining myself that i feel ready to fall apart. i don't want to even think about working on school work because i feel so overwhelmed. i stressed to the limit, and of course, it's bad for the baby! i may be selfish. but i'm sick of it. i've slipped back into the depression that it took me several months, if not a year, to crawl and struggle my way out of. except now it really is hopeless. there's no hope that the doctors will be able to talk it all away. now i have to go through getting bigger in every area of my body. i've never been bigger than a size seven. and now size nine barely fits. my feet are swollen and i get moody way too easily. and since it's hot outside, my moods just get worse. i have to go pick him up from work now. Miss Anything? |
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