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alone. i am so sad today. i'm not sure why. i just am. i feel like i can't do anything. i feel like i've slumped back into the depression i worked so hard to get out of. last night, i noticed the top half of my belly button was beginning to really poke out and it made me want to cry. i don't know why but it made me incredibly sad. i lost the cross stitch i was making for the baby and i'm almost thankful. thoughts of keeping the baby depress, scare, and worry me. i don't know if i'm ready to do it. josh and i are going to the pregnancy clinic on monday and we're supposed to have a list of something, but i can't remember what. and i've been sick all week. i called last night 20 minutes after they closed and i called today but the lady i see wasn't in. i hope she calls me. i feel like everyone in this house is against me. my sister-in-law is mad because i don't help out enough. my brother is mad because he's always mad and stuff about me just pisses him off. my dad and i don't get along worth a damn. my mom always tells me things i can't do and the reasons why i can't do them. my other brother doesn't say jack shit, but apparently he said somethign to my mom about me too. that's 5 out of 7. of the two one is me, and one is a 5 year old. i'm just fed up. i'm fed up with being pregnant. i go from wanting the baby to not wanting the baby. and i'm so fucking confused (sorry for the language i'm just massively mad). i feel like i can't talk to anyone because they get upset with me. people keep telling me to make up my mind, but i can't make up my mind. everything is too conflicted. i'm too conflicted. i haven't wanted to email anyone because it would take too much time and energy to type everything out. i rather have conversations than emails i guess. but i dunno. i'm just tired of it all. the good thing is josh doesn't feel like he is slipping away anymore. my sister-in-law told my mom the reason she wants to move out is to get away from me and how i never do anything. i didn't know i was that horrible. it just hurts to know thats what she thinks about me. i try so hard to be nice to her. if she wants to borrow something of mine, i let her, if she wants me to do something, i do it. but god. i just feel so alone and disliked here. i don't know what to do. i don't feel like typing anymore. Miss Anything? |
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