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6 days until due date. i swear. it'll never end! 6 more days til the due date.. yesterday i went to the obstetritian. and they all said 'doesn't look like the baby wants out, does it?' and i wanted to smack each and every one of them and say 'you don't think i know that?!' it pisses me off! so, the doctor checked my cervix. i'm still 1 centimeter (have been for 3 weeks now). but now i'm a 'generous' centimeter, last week i was a 'small' centimeter. whatever. 1 centimeter is 1 centimeter is 1 centimeter. i was hoping i'd be 2. i thought 'well, at least if i'm not going into labor, a little progress would be better.' but nope. she's wedged in there tight as can be. the doctor did strip the membranes, which i'm still not 100% what that means. but my sister, and the doctor, said it sometimes triggers labor hormones. i'm all for it. part of me wants to have her in my arms now. i want to stroke her little feet and dress her, bathe her, wake up a million times during the night to feed her. i want to bond more with her. i want to see her daddy and her together. i want to see how she'll react to the world. but part of me is terrified of the fact that, yes, i'm having a baby. and yes, i will be responsible for this baby. and yes, i'll have her forever. while this is scary, it's also comforting. that no matter if she hates me while she's a teenager, i'll still be her mommy. i may not know the best, but i can guide her through everything i can. i want to be one of those moms that their daughters (and sons) can come to and talk to them without fear of that stupid parenting stuff. unless it's stupid. but most of all, i want her to come talk to me about sex. whether she has questions, is thinking about having sex, or whatever. i want her to be able to do that so i can tell her while she has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, it's been hard. and i want different for her. i want her to be able to finish high school and go to any college she wants. but i never want to make it sound like i'm saying 'oh you were such a mistake.' i want her to understand that while i love her, and i'm so blessed and happy to have her, i want something different for her. i want her to come to me about drugs and stuff too. but the problem is, i'm so anti-drugs and alcohol that i might be one of those stupid parents that goes 'well, you better not.' i want her to feel she can get the truth from me. i'm hoping this makes sense.. i guess i just want things with her to be different than they were with my mom. i would have never dreamed of even saying the word sex to her. but i guess every parent wants things to be different between them and their child(ren). i'm getting sick of josh's mom telling me 'no! you can't have the baby yet!' i'm just sick of his parents, and my dad. this is not to be rude, but none of them have ever carried a child (josh is adopted). and while that could be a really rude thing to say, his mom has no idea what she's talking about. she was pregnant for like 3 months or something, then lost the baby. which, yes, is very sad. but i think of it as, if she would have been able to get pregnant, josh would not be here. and everytime i do something, i get bored or frustrated. my mom says it's just because i'm getting massively sick of being pregnant. which she knows about, having always gone 2 weeks late with all of her children. i'm looking for toys on amazon.com. i must say, this is the best idea ever. it's great because you can get real peoples opinions, people who actually have the item and their child uses it. i need a high chair, but i won't need one for awhile. and it's great because i can compare what people say, and then go shopping and look for this stuff myself. it's great. i guess i'm just complaining. i'm uncomfortable and i've become impatient. but only 6 more days until the due date. and i know she has to eventually come out. i guess that's whats frustrating. you know the baby is coming out eventually, but when?! all i've done is complain. i guess it's my right. i don't know how to end this entry. so i will just end it. 6 more days until the due date! Miss Anything? |
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