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more postpartum sadness. sometimes i wonder what it feels like to be a mom. i don't feel like a mom. i just feel like someone responding to a tiny persons cries. i feel angry a lot, not at the tiny person, but at everyone else in my life. i feel sad and abandoned. which i hate. i hate feeling this way because it reminds me of when my exboyfriend and i broke up and how powerless and stupid and ugly and just worthless i felt. but this time, i'm trying to fight it instead of diving into it. i guess i have more purpose now. because someone actually needs me to get out of bed in the morning and eat. instead of before where no one really cared if i got out of bed or ate. i mean, people cared, but they didn't need me. it is so lonely being 18 and a mom. sometimes i feel like i might as well be a single mom. just it be me and sarah and no josh. i mean, i am the one who gets up with her how many times a night, i'm the one who feeds her, i'm the one who changes her diapers, and deals with the crying, and changes her clothes, and washes her clothes, and puts her clothes away. sometimes when josh is here he might as well not be. ever sinec we had her, he's been throwing himself even moreso into the video game he plays. which is frustrating me because it makes me feel like he rather not be around sarah or me. i don't mind that he plays, i'm not saying i want him to stop playing. i guess i just feel alone and i don't know who to reach out to and he's the only one who is close enough to reach out to. my mom is really preoccupied all the time, and my dad. well. we won't go there. i've been talking to my sister almost daily and she's the only person who makes me feel sane. she listens to my senseless babble and tells me it's ok to feel this way. yesterday was my nephews 3rd birthday party. just sarah and i went because josh had to work. and it was weird. because everyone there has had a child, excluding the little kids they bring, and i've always felt so out of the loop. and now i have a child. and i feel inside the loop, but on the outskirts of it. because i'm the teenage mommy. they were all nice, you could just tell at certain times they weren't sure how to talk to me or address things. and that's frustrating. i could tell a few people wanted to ask where her dad was. it was just hard. it's all hard. nothing is easy anymore. going to the bathroom is hard because it takes me forever because i'm still bleeding from the delivery and everytime i walk out of the room, sarah cries. she won't sleep in her bassinet, she has to sleep in the bed with me. which i'm actually really am beginning to like. it makes me feel less alone. just having her next to me. it just makes the fact that she eventually has to go to her own room harder. because, once again, i'm alone. that's just what everything is ending up feeling like. i'm alone. i'm just sad. that's just it. i was able to just go off my anti-depressants too. this sad feels like the sad i felt before i got really suicidal. but i don't feel like it's going to escalate to be that bad. i'm sad, but i can still function. which i wasn't able to do before. everything feels like a disappointment. everyone is turning out to be a disappointment. even myself. i just don't know what to do with myself. my dad is holding sarah right now. she lost her pacifier and started to cry, and my mom was trying to help him out and he got angry. i just need a break. i need a break from him and everything. today i went to breakfast with josh and his parents. which i regret doing. any contact with them just royally pisses me off. josh just doesn't seem to see it. and if he does, he's doing a really great job at ignoring it. maybe he doesn't care because they are his parents. but i care because she's my daughter and i hate feeling invisible. we come into the restaurant, and josh puts the car seat down on this chair and it's not stable, the car seat rocks. so i was going to pick her up. but nope. josh's mom has to hold her. then she gives her to his dad. which is fine, dandy. but how about when she cries because she's hungry, quit shoving a pacifier in her mouth? i use that as a last resort. if i know she's not hungry and she just won't calm down. when i try to feed her and she's not interested in eating, just in sucking. so, i give it to her. or when she won't calm down. but nope. you know what? i don't know anything. i'm sick of it. i really truly am. i'm ready to scream at them and say 'you know, she's not even really your granddaughter!' or i want to tell them to just fucking adopt her and they can fuck up again. it just makes me bitter because they don't really give a shit about anyone but themselves. they care more about themselves than anyone. and i'm tired of it. i'm tired of seeing them, talking to them, dealing with them. it has gotten to the point where i'm ready to tell josh not to come over between classes on tuesdays and thursday. just so i don't have to see his mom. hell, i was ready to just tell josh not to worry about coming over. i'm just tired of it. of everyone and everything. everyone rather worry about their own agendas. my mom is more concerned with my dads feelings. my dad, his own feelings. josh's parents who the hell knows. josh, tribes, or so it seems. and then there's me, but no one really cares. yeah. i definitely feel like shit. i just want to cry. and scream. and just sleep. being tired isn't all that fun either. i don't want this diary to just be all sad stuff. i'm sick of writing all sad stuff. but that's what i feel. i read so many mothers pregnancy diaries, and they had such happy pregnancies. and then there's mine. i was miserable. and yet again, just having a baby, i'm miserable. i've been miserable my whole life. why did i think it was going to change? just because i was actually happy for awhile? at one time i felt special, and i felt like i mattered a lot, especially to josh. and that feeling is gone. it's the backburner. and the sad thing is, i feel like sarah is on the backburner with him too. for the first time in our whole entire relationship, i'm beginning to doubt whether we'll be able to stick together or not. it's finally starting to come out that we want different things. and this scares me. i don't know. maybe it's just because i'm really sad and it seems to not matter. it's not like he is completely ignoring me. he's not. he always asks how i am. i just can't bring myself to talk to him about any of this. probably because i feel like it won't matter in the end. 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