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ramblings. today is such a bittersweet day for some reason. i actually was able to sleep past 9 am. i didn't wake up throwing my guts up. i was able to go out and about with the boyfriend. we went to panera bread and i got french onion soup (which i love) in a sourdough bread bowl. and now i'm craving it like no other. i hate cravings. especially when i can't eat what i'm craving. i've been reading crazeemomof3 for i don't know how long. maybe an hour? it's a nice read. though a bit scary. all aspects of motherhood scare me. the boyfriend starts his dual enrollment (he's taking both college and a few high school classes at the same time) in a few weeks. which means he'll be working full time, going to college, and have to finish up a few high school classes at his cyber school. which is great. he doesn't have to go to school all day. i guess i like being lazy and seeing him all the time. he talked about getting another job to pay to get his cars fixed. that would be 14 hours a day for 5 days a week. and i guess i'm greedy. i don't want him to do that. he bought a cellphone at his work tonight. he's allowed to carry it from now (4 months) til 2 months after the babies born. he's telling the couple managers that don't know i'm pregnant tonight. well. we will see. my hair is getting so long. i haven't had it cut since i last dyed it pink. i want to dye my hair again. something sensible. but some people say it's bad to do when your pregnant. and i'm so paranoid about birth defects that it's insane. i take so many medications (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, an allergy pill, plus medication for my horrible stomach) that it could affect the baby. plus i'm a teenager, and that increases my risk. i'm thinking about having the amniocentisis (i can't spell it) just so i know. i'll talk to the doctor next week. i'm so worried that it'll be mentally or physically handicapped. there's no way we (me, the boyfriend, our parents) could support a handicapped kid. none. our parents have financial trouble, i don't have a job, and the boyfriend has to help pay his parents bills. we can't do it. today before the boyfriend had to go to work we went to petland because he knows that i absolutely adore animals. they actually had kittens today. there were these two adorable kittens that still didn't have fully developed tails. they kept pawing at me and wrestling for my hand. for some reason i can't get them out of my head. i decided if i decide to give the baby up for adoption, i want another dog or a kitty. not right away. but eventually. i've been thinking a lot about having a miscarriage. i've been having dreams every night that blood starts pouring out of me and the baby dies and no one can take me to the hospital. as much as i say i want it out of me, i want it to be safe, healthy, and happy. i just say that because i'm terrified. having a miscarriage would tear me apart. i'd feel so responsible. i'd beat myself up for the rest of my life. i don't want a miscarriage. i just want some relief from the stress. i've also been thinking about the sex of the baby. we have names picked out. i want a girl, but i'm not opposed to a boy. i'm just afraid i would push away a boy. next week my mom, boyfriend, and boyfriends mom are going to see the saunagram and hear the heartbeat with me. i'm going to bring up having an amniocentisis or however you spell it. i want to know that this baby is healthy. i need to know. i can't get off my medications because my stomach problems are precancerous, i can't sleep at night without the sleeping pills, my allergies are horrible, and my depression is horrible. i spent many years suicidal. and i don't need to have another suicide bought right now. i need to stay healthy for the baby. and my boyfriend. i never mention it but i love him to death. i don't know how he puts up with me. i have to leave in about 45 minutes to go pick him up. i guess i just feel alone. there's no one for me to talk to about this. i want some stinkin french onion soup so bad! maybe if they are still open i'll use the 5 bucks mom gave me... hm... my puppy is sleeping on a pillow in the middle of the floor. that dog is so precious to me. she's like a furry little baby. she sleeps in my room at night and comforts me when i'm sad. she's my little angel. i worry about what her reaction to me having a baby will be. she hated whenever i got together with my boyfriend because i was around less. i couldn't stand to break her heart. she's getting older so she won't be around forever. i think my nieces behavior (she lives with us, along with her dad and mom) is making me really loathe keeping this baby. her behavior is horrendous. she doesn't listen or pay attention to anyone. she doesn't care about anything or anyone. she just wants her own way all the time. and i hate my dad. he's been abusive towards all of my moms kids and he's in denial. no one wants anything to do with him and i have no patience towards him. i don't want my baby around him whatsoever. but i have to live here. i can't fucking take him. i hate him more than i hate anything. and this is true hatred. everytime he goes on a plane i hope he doesn't come back. he's cheated on my mom. he's a loser. he really deserves to die. argh. he just tried to talk to me and it just upsets me. i forgot i have to go pick up my stomach medicine. i don't feel like it. i'm just tired. i'm supposed to write an email back to the wonderful girl who is being so nice and supportive but i can't think of anything to say. i hate the fact that i can't help her. i guess it's something to just listen. i can't think anymore. my head hurts. argh. alright. i'm going. until next time. 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