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babies. last night i was laying in bed with my dog (she's still a puppy to me because she's very small and only weighs 12 pounds) and i started crying. i kept thinking 'i want you to stay my baby (in reference to my dog).' which may seem weird, but my dog has been like a best friend to me through everything. i'm very attached to her and i keep thinking how a baby will change that. and i keep thinking how a baby will change stupid little things that will probably not even matter once s/he is here. last night the boyfriend and i spent time at his house. we normally spend time here. but niether of us wanted to be here. i talked to his mom and his dad (but mostly his mom) for over an hour and a half. it was nice. she talked about positive things--not negative. i know her true motivation is she wants a grandchild, and i understand that. but i still feel scared. i feel scared that i won't be able to do it. and that's not fair to a baby. i keep reading all these womens diaries that have babies and they all talk about how wonderful yet tiring it is. and i'm just like 'damn. am i ready?' i want to start having a belly. i have a little one. but i'm talking about one that you can tell and be like 'hey i'm pregnant.' i want it to become a reality. because right now, i still think i'm in a bittersweet dream. i want to hear the heartbeat and i want to see my baby again. i want to know if we're having a boy or a girl because i'm curious. i know it won't be 100% accurate. but still. i hate the inbetweennes of not fitting into my normal clothes but not fitting into maternity clothes. i hate size 9s being too small, but size 11s being too big. why can't they just make it easy on people and have odd and even sizes instead of this stupid crap? i want to start sewing or knitting or something. something to do to keep my mind off of being only 16 weeks (16 weeks starts this week! WOOHOO!). the weeks are going by somewhat fast. but still. i want to know i'm pregnant. i still feel like this isn't really happening to me. i want this baby to be healthy. i'm tired. and cranky and lonely. i could have gone to my sisters today but i don't feel like it. being around a baby (a 4 month old) makes me want my baby to be out and about. it makes me want to snuggle him or her. last night the boyfriend talked to my tummy and it's so cute. i want my belly to be bigger. grrr. i wonder if i'll regret that later. probably not. because the bigger the belly gets, the sooner the baby'll come. i want to be able to rub my pregnant belly and be like 'yeah, you're jealous.' i worry about what i'll do when i do start showing though. because there are certain people i don't want to know because everyone will hear about it. they have the biggest mouths. and i don't really want this pregnancy blabbed all over creation. i keep wondering 'will i really have to stop going into the boyfriends work soon?' i like going in because sometimes i just hang around until i have to leave. sometimes i go up and meet him for his break. i don't want to have to stop doing that just because of a baby. and i think 'what happens when the baby is born? will i be embarassed to take the baby to see its daddy just because he works with certain people?' i wonder how the boyfriend feels about it all sometimes. he's very nice about it all. i wonder if he feels really tied down now. like he can't do the things he wanted to do. but we still can do things. i want to breastfeed. i really really want to. i hope with the meds i'm on i'll still be able to breastfeed. i feel like i'm going crazy because i keep considering all these things that i can do with a baby. all these things i want to do, things i'm looking forward to. and then i have to remind myself 'we may not keep the baby.' sometimes i honestly feel like i don't want to keep the baby. i feel it'll be too scary, too much work, too much responsibility. but then i think 'i hear the baby makes it all worth it. and i'll have a family. a real family of my own.' it'll be me, the boyfriend, and the baby. we can be a family of three. we may not be married yet, but god, sometimes it feels like we are. i have so much security with him. and even though my waistline is expanding, and i feel ugly, he makes me feel beautiful. and i keep thinking 'we will beat the odds.' why shoudl i deny myself things like that just because i'm 17? i keep thinking what a wonderful dad he would be and it makes me sad that this may be the only kid i ever want to have and i might give it away. i keep thinking of all the things i've wanted, and a baby won't change them much. sure a baby will change it somewhat. but i've never been the type to go out and do things that you can't do when you have a child. the boyfriends mom talked about having a baby shower. and i was like 'yes! finally!' i have wanted to have one, but i was afraid. maybe i'll have it after the baby is born. i want this baby to be an exciting thing like it is to me. i want to go find a carseat to bring the baby home in, find some clothes to bring it home in, get a stoller, a bassinet and a crib. we don't need a crib right away. i want the baby to stay in my room for the first few months. maybe until its sleeping through the night. i want to have a nursery. i want all this stuff. and i keep thinking 'no one will do it but the boyfriends parents.' and that makes me sad. i'm sick of everyone acting like this baby is an unseen bad thing. it's not. it's my baby. it's our baby. i'm still scared. but i want someone to show me it's ok. the boyfriends mom was like that. she doesn't treat me like i'm a whore. sometimes i get the feeling from my parents that they think that. i just want someone in my family to say 'i want you to have this baby and keep it.' my mom used to, but i think she realizes how hard it'll be. but we have people willing to help us. we have ways. we will make ways. i guess i'm just frustrated all around. i think this entry is long enough. until next time. 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