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homework. i'm starting to get an undeniable pregnancy belly. i've had 3 people comment in the past 2 days. that makes me feel weird. we went to my sister-in-laws sister's surprise birthday party saturday night, and this one guy kept telling me i was trying to smuggle some food out under my shirt. i'm honestly not that big. and it just made me feel fat. i'm one of those girls who has a weight complex. unjustifiable, but still. i don't starve myself or anything like that, definitely not, but even when i was very tiny, i thought i was fat. but i hate excersize so much that it's sickening. and josh's parents have both commented on it. it just makes me uncomfortable. i'm starting to get paranoid with how i'm going to deal with the drastic change in josh's and mine relationship once the baby is born. for some reason, i think he will be mostly fine. but i'm having trouble dealing with the fact that it won't be just josh and me. it'll always, for the rest of our lives, be josh, the baby, and me. and i just. i dunno. i like having all of josh's attention when we're together, so him having to divide his attention bothers me. i'm afraid i'll get jealous of the baby. but then part of me knows i will never want to put the baby down. but still. it's one thing for me to give attention to something, and it's another for him. sometimes i just want it to stay the way it is forever. us being able to cuddle for hours and not have to worry about feeding a baby, waking a baby up, or anything. i guess i'm just really selfish when it comes to him. i'm so overwhelmed with schoolwork. i'm still finishing up 11th grade. and i still have a fair amount to do. but what i have left to do is english (which wouldn't be a problem except i have papers to write that i can't find the subject to write it on), chemistry and geometry, which, lets face it, no matter how much i work or study, i just don't comprehend. and i have spanish. i think i'm one of those people that is meant to NEVER take a foreign language. i'm so overwhelmed with the work that i don't know what to do. i wish i could just comprehend the stupid geometry and chemistry, but i can't. oh, because i had so much trouble in public school, i'm in a homeschooling type set up. i do all my work at home, then go in on tuesday evening from like 3 to 5 and check my work and take tests and correct work. last tuesday i sat there for 45 minutes with a geometry test and i filled in most of it with gibberish. i told her i try and try and try with geometry, but i can't do it. it just doesn't make sense. i can't remember what i need to remember. she said i just need to study harder. but if i look over the material, i just confuse myself more. i wish i could just be done with it. i'd feel so much better if i weren't so overwhelmed. i try working on spanish but it takes so much damned concentration. i think so much concentration and energy goes towards this pregnancy and sorting out everything in my head that i feel like i can't take anymore on. i have to finish high school. i just don't know how. i am ready to give up. i'm working on one of the 2 12th grade books i have, and i'm almost done with it. which makes me feel even worse because i should be almost done with 11th grade. i'm sick of my parents being on my ass about it. i just don't know what to do. i see how much josh has to do and i feel so foolish for feeling overwhelmed. he has to work, pay for his car, go to college 2 nights a week, finish high school (which involves one cyber school class and going to the gym for physical education, which is not an easy task). his hours are being cut by tons. he was working 35+ hours a week, now he's going to be working 11. that's a HUGE difference. i like it because it gives him more time to relax, which he doesn't get to do enough, but it also makes him more stressed because he can't pay for the stuff he needs to pay for. and agh. i just feel like a baby. since my parents are gone, i have 10 bucks a day. that doesn't go far. you think it'd be easy to not spend 1- bucks a day. but to pay for gas, my pills, plus now i have to ship my parents some stuff, which will probably end up costing me a lot. and blah. i'm just frustrated. and overwhelmed. and blah. i'm just mad at myself over this school work. i don't feel much like writing anymore. Miss Anything? |
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