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loneliness. i'm sick of the spam mail that you get and it ends up dated for several months ago, so you have to go search for it to delete it. i hate it with an extreme passion. i just sat here and had to go through all the pages of my email, and the stupid thing was dated for 5/22. stupid assholes. so now, i am going through and deleting the emails i've been saving, but have no real reason to save. which is fine with me. though i have about 3 trillion other things to be doing right now. i think i'll just delete the majority, keep a few i want to. but there's no real reason to keep any emails. no one emails me, i don't email anyone. i get 'You've got a note at your diaryland account!' emails. and i get spam mail. that's about it. i deleted all my mail. so, i now have 0 emails. not counting the 16 ones in my spam mail folder. i'm 32 weeks pregnant this week. my belly is starting to become a nuisance, it's not that big yet. i'm still really tiny. but my whole life i've been really tiny. and now that i have a belly, i'm not sure what to make of it. and the stretch mark cream (cocoa butter with vitamin e) is finally starting to make my boobs appear not purple. so, all in all, i still feel about as attractive as the flu. for some reason, i've been feeling uncontrollably lonely lately. maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm getting bigger, i have 10 thousand things to do, christmas is coming and holidays make me lonely, and josh has been working night time again. he's also been really moody lately, very snappy. but, hey, what can ya do. he and his parents just had a family member (or someone they consider a family member) move in with them. and this dude is weird. he doesn't talk, and when he does, you can't hear him. he twitches a lot. he doesn't have parkensin's (sorry i can't spell that) or anything, he's just kind of a mental case. he was standing under a tree when it got hit by lightening. he's just weird. and i'm not saying this to be mean. yesterday josh, his mom and dad, and i went out to breakfast, then we had to go back to his house to finish cleaning out the room for michael (the guy who moved in with them) then we went to best buy to get josh's dad a new cell phone (josh gets an employee discount there). so, josh and i took michael in my car, and met up with his parents there. michael was sitting in the front seat, didn't say anything. and at one point, he sounded like he was saying something, so josh turned down the radio and said 'what's up?' and the kid started mooing. i was sitting right behind him, couldn't hear him mooing, but i could tell he was doing something because josh was trying to keep from laughing. michael was afraid to close my car door. he hoped out of the car (which we were sitting still) and never said why, then he got back in and sat down like nothing happened. today, josh and him watched braveheart and at the end, braveheart gets his head chopped off or something, and he drops a piece of clothe that his wife gave him or something like that, and michael reached forward to grab the clothe that fell, then he started crying. needless to say, we aren't too sure about michael. today josh and i were talking about why he's been snappy lately. he says he feels he can't have any friends because of me. he didn't say it like that, but that's what he meant. and that makes me feel horrible, because that's the last thing i ever meant to make him feel. i just really love being around him, and lately i've been super lonely when he's not around. before, i could deal with it well. when he worked crazy hours, mostly night time, and all that. but it seems since the pregnancy, i've been really lonely. i feel like i can't explain to anyone how hard it is and how lonely it is because you don't relate to the people who you used to like hanging out with. that it's hard to talk to the same people you talked to before, because their main concerns are boyfriends and fights with friends, and mine is a baby. which is a huge deal. i ran into some old friends of mine the other day, and i realized just how much i never really let myself be known to them. they all asked if josh was the father of the baby, and it hurts because they know me. i've never slept around. i've slept with 2 people. both of which were people i was (am) dating. and that's it. i just feel like no one knows me anymore. and the more i try to make sense of myself to them, the less sense i make to myself. i'm not the 'typical' 18 year old, i've never been the typical anything. i've never really fit in. and now it's hard because i have josh, who is so wonderful, and so understanding, and will listen to me talk about anything, and it's hard for me to think of certain things. josh talks about wanting to have friends, which i have no problem with. i'm just afraid of the same thing happening to me that always happens. either my friends or my boyfriend gets new friends, or starts hanging out with old ones again, and it starts out fine. things stay ok, i adjust to the change. but then i start seeing them less and less. and eventually i get ditched or dumped. and it just feels like shit. i think that's part of why i have trouble with josh hanging out with people. i've always been ditched for 'someone better.' and now that i'm pregnant, him hanging out with people who are teenagers that are 'typical' makes me worry that he'll become unhappy with his life with me and the baby. i've heard of it happening before. he's always hung out with girls more than guys, and that worries me because i feel so big and fat and unattractive. all of this makes me feel like the worst girlfriend ever. like i'm completely not acknowledging what he wants, when that's all i really care about. all i care about is how he feels, how the baby is doing, stuff like that. i don't worry about myself too much anymore. i feel too overwhelmed. and i'm just afraid of being alone. i'm afraid that josh'll realize he can get a better girlfriend than me. and i'm afraid that i'll completely fuck up raising the baby. and i'm afraid somethign will happen to my mom and i'll be completely shit out of luck. my dad doesn't want me to live here anymore, he doesn't want to pay for my pills anymore. my mom is the only one who really seems to care anymore. besides josh. and ugh. josh gave me a christmas list of things he wants (he's the only person i have left to shop for, i'm completely done with everyone else), and he asked me to make him a list of stuff i want. and there's nothing i want. i mean there's stuff i 'want,' but not anything i have that 'oooh i want that' feeling about. does that make any sense? so, there's nothing i want. i kind of want just another day back in my old life, the life where it was just school and josh and my biggest concern was high school. not a baby. but that's impossible. i want everyone to be happy. i want to be happy. i can't think of things i want or would even be excited about getting. because there's nothing. i can do without cd's, dvd's, books, new clothes, or a digital camera (which i wanted for pictures of the baby, so i didn't have to get them developed, i could just print them off, whichever ones i wanted). i don't want or really need anything for christmas. there are things i need, but nothing i can be given for christmas. eh. i just feel like shit for making josh feel like that. he says he wants a day where he can just hang out with someone. and i told him that was cool with me. i don't want to become like nickie, controlling and always having to be asked for permission. i don't care what he does, as long as he doesn't do drugs, drink alcohol, or cheat on me. and that he comes home alive. i guess i do care what he does, i just don't want to care so much. i just feel alone because i feel like i don't relate to anyone at all anymore. i just wish josh didn't feel like that. i try really hard not to make him feel like that, but i guess i didn't do a good enough job. i guess i just have to learn how else to deal with the loneliness. and i have homework i should be doing. 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