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due date +10. once again, i'm sick of the daily 'still waiting' updates. no baby. last night i had the pains i had last time i dialated. so, yeah. everyone is getting really annoyed that she isn't here yet. she's officially 10 days late. i'm sick of waiting. i'm really sick of my back hurting. i'm sick of the stretch marks. i'm getting really sick of everyone telling me they are sick of me being pregnant, and saying 'when is she going to be here, damnit?!' in my opinion, no one has the right to be upset with her not being here but me. i mean, josh i can understand, the grandparents i can understand. but no one is allowed to be frustrated but me. and in my opinion, that's the way it should be. period. everyone else can want her out, but i mean, i'm carrying her. every night i go to bed and say 'i'm going to wake up to my water breaking.' but, every night the only thing i wake up to is having to pee. anytime i feel any pain in my abdomen or anything, i don't pay attention to it. i've stopped timing it. i wait until i have three pains that seem somewhat far apart, then i'll glance at the clock. but the second i glance at the clock, they stop coming. i'm just frustrated. the other night i was in the shower, and i looked down, and i saw the stretch marks on my breasts, and i saw the stretch marks on my hips, and the part of my stomach i can see and i started crying. i just feel so damn hideous. it was bad enough with the stretch marks on my breasts, they started to fade. but then i got them really badly on my hips, and then around my knees, then on my butt, then they started spreading more on my stomach. and i just feel fat everywhere. my cheeks have even gotten fuller. i just feel like a big, fat ogre. that's one thing i've been sensitive about my whole life. my weight. and now that i've gained so much weight (i will not say. i can barely utter the amount of weight i've gained to myself, let alone to other people) i don't know what to do with myself. i'm just sick of it. still, with all the stretch mark and weight gain, all my weight is still mostly in my stomach and chest. that's it. my legs have started retaining a lot of water, my hips have gotten wider, but i'm not fat everywhere, mostly just belly weight. it's still very discouraging. i feel like i'll never stop being pregnant, let alone being plagued with stretch marks. i've been putting cocoa butter with vitamin e on and it doesn't seem to help. my moods have been changing within seconds. i'll be happy one second, then one little thing will happen and i'll either be crying or yelling. then i'll go back to happy. i'm getting so moody i can't even stand myself. i'm just miserable. i'm sick of looking this way, i'm sick of feeling this way, i'm just plain sick of it. 41 weeks of pregnancy is a long time. it's more than 9 months. it's forever. and it feels like it's never going to end. last night, i was laying on my bed, josh was playing a video game or watching tv, i can't remember, and he put his face up to my stomach and yelled 'GET OUT!' or come out..i can't remember which. but it was really weird. he's been so... uninvolved? i don't know, he just seems to not really care if she comes or not, and now he's been talking to her and telling her it's time. tonight when he left he told her to come out again. she's not listening. today my mom told her to come out, too. she just doesn't want to. it's 4 days until wednesday. i guess i'm just all around tired. physically, emotionally, i'm just... exhausted. i was having cramps and stuff last night and this morning when i woke up, so i went to the mall to get josh's valentine's day stuff, hoping maybe walking around would trigger something. the only thing it triggered was my back to hurt. that's all i can do. complain. grar. i'm not sure what to do with myself because i'm bored, anxious, and worn out. part of me wishes i was working just so i could stop feeling so damn lonely and useless. josh and i stopped going out, partially because he has no money, and me being unemployed, neither do i. there's no where to go that doesn't cost money. i have trouble walking for long distances, or even a lot. i even had myself convinced that i'm so gross he doesn't want to be seen with me in public. hell, i'm sick of going in public. today i went to the hallmark store to buy some valentine's day cards for josh, my nieces, nephew, mom, and sister, and a woman made a really nasty comment to me. she looked at me, saw i was pregnant and said something like 'i don't want to be around you' and walked to the other side of the store. i get mean glares constantly. the other day, josh and i went to the mall just to walk around, and this teenage girl stared at me, most like she was glaring, and then she whispered something to her mom, and she TURNED AROUND to stare at me. i feel like i have a big poster over my head that says 'PREGNANT TEENAGER! LOOK DOWN UPON!' or something. it's just humiliating. i get people who stare at me like they've never seen anyone pregnant before, i get people who look at me and turn their noses up, i get people who are nice and don't really care, i get so many mean looks, hell, i get people who purposely walk right into me (most of the time it's my belly) and keep walking. they don't say 'sorry' or 'excuse me' or anything. they just look at me, walk right into me, keep glaring at me, and keep going. and i'm like 'thaaannnkkksss.' today in hallmark, a woman almost knocked me over. it wasn't that there was no room for her to fit through, she just walked right into me. it's just disheartening that people are so ignorant. my mom and josh's mom say 'how do they know you don't just look young for your age? most people who are as pregnant as you are can't wear their wedding rings.' they try to make me feel better, but it doesn't work. i just feel like no one wants to be around me anymore. i've actually started liking being alone, though i also truly hate it. i just feel like no one wants to be around me. maybe it's because i don't want to be around me. josh has been playing more video games and watching more tv, or maybe it's just that i'm getting more sensitive to it all. he also started work and school, which hasn't bothered me, sometimes i wish he could just stay home and pamper me, but i don't get pampered. i just feel like no one wants to be around me. not my mom, not josh, no one. most of the time i just want to turtle in my room. i haven't had my anti-depressants, and i'm not sure if that's making the moodiness and everything worse, or if it's just the fact that i'm 41 weeks pregnant. and i keep having cramps, but they stop coming. or i'll have something that hurts, feels like it would be a contraction, but that's it. i'm sick of having pains and it being nothing. because sometimes the pains hurt a lot. really badly. but they don't just last like 30 seconds, they'll last for like 5-10 minutes and i'll feel like someone is trying to pull my uterus apart. but those stopped coming for awhile. last night they came again. and the doctor said that was contractions, and that it was probably just me dialating. which, those pains stopped, and so did the dialation. i really don't know what to do with myself. i just feel miserable and unwanted. it worries me that the baby will be born. because then i won't be 'the baby' anymore. i'm the baby of the family. i was the last born child. and now i will have one of my own. it scares me because i feel like after the babies born, things will continue the way they are. i do everything for everyone, i've really been trying to be better at helping out my mom and everyone. i try to do things for everyone. i try to make them happy. and sometimes it feels like i try to make people happy, and do things for them, and it just turns to shit. sometimes i feel invisible. all of this is just really starting to take its toll on me. it doesn't help that sometimes i feel like everyone just wants me to shut up. i don't even feel like i can talk about what's bothering me without making someone feel bad, so i don't. i don't think josh reads this anymore, that's partially why i'm posting here. i just feel alone and disgusting and yuck. the front of my pants really dig into my stomach and it hurts. and there's nothing i can do. people make mean comments and there's nothing i can do. i don't trust certain people with the baby and there's nothing i can do. i don't want certain people to come to the hospital and there's nothing i can do. i want to go into labor now and get it over with and tehre's nothing i can do. i just feel damn useless. part of me really wants to go see one last movie before the baby is born, but there's nothing i can do about that because there's no money. i want to feel attractive again, i want to feel confident again, i want to feel adored again, i want to feel ok on my own again. and i just... don't. a girl was flirting with josh earlier this week and part of me was relieved. why? because a tiny part of me said 'see, no one really does give a shit if your around.' and it's all starting again. maybe i need the stupid anti-depressants. i just keep it inside because it's hard to talk to people about any of this stuff. it's hard to open up because people take what i feel wrong. i'm sick of trying to explain myself but being too damned worried about hurting other peoples feelings. obviously no one really gives a damn about my feelings. today after the wonderful hallmark experience, i went to my car and got in, and the car bounced when i sat down because i pretty much threw myself in and it reminded me of when i was looking at cars with josh and his parents and when his dad said 'wow! you should have seen how much the car lifted up after you got up!' to me. and i almost cried. he made a lot of really mean comments, so i decided i'm not going around him. screw it. i'm miserable enough on my own. i don't need him making me feel worse. i think the main part of my miserableness is just that i feel so damned unattractive. i've felt unattractive before, but this takes the cake. i don't want any part of me to show. i want long pants on (which works becuase it's winter) and long sleeves and socks. i don't want any part of me showing, except the necessary parts, but even then. i just want to hide. i really do. the shower the other day also reminded me of when my mom put lotion on my back and said 'when i see your body and all the stretch marks it makes me want to cry.' it's just like everyone is so full of reassuring comments and everyone is just so damned considerate of how insecure i am. i don't even look in the mirror anymore. i avoid it. but blah. i feel like all i've done is whine, which is all i have done. and it's 1:40 in the morning, it's been almost 2 hours since i started to write this and i don't feel any better. i'm going to go try and sleep or something. 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