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due date +12. my parents make it seem like all josh and i have ever done in our whole relationship is have sex. that's what we do when no one is around, that's what we do when people are around, that's what we live for. when they are very, very mistaken. for awhile, we were even allowed to sit next to eachother without drawing comments or disapproving sighs from my dad. now, if we are in my room without a light on, god forbid. my mom says it just makes them feel better. well, sometimes i want to be able to lay down without a light blaring in my eyes. my dad acts like it some huge problem, he says 'well, i fixed that problem real quick.' yeah, just like he's been trying to get his alcoholic son his driver's license back after multiple dui's. he's really the great problem solver. it's ridiculous. today he was telling me that our judicial system is really screwed up because they won't give my brother back his license. when, in the past 10 years, my brother has had repeated dui offenses, he's continued to drink, he's been caught driving without a license, he's caused accidents and run away from them, he's almost killed someone while driving drunk, he continues to say he has no problem with drinking or drugs, yet he can't give them up. i'm sorry, but i don't want my brother getting his license back. i don't believe he deserves it. he obviously hasn't learned. my dad said he thinks my brother has learned his lesson about drinking and driving, but obviously not. he got dui's even AFTER they revoked his license. i'm afraid he'll get it back and end up killing someone. and i believe it would be my parents indirect fault. they've been fighting so hard to get his license back when he so clearly is not responsible enough for it. my brother has been messing up majorly for as long as i can remember. he was smoking and drinking by the time he was 8 years old, he's been in trouble with cops for forever, he ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant, but they were in their 20's, he has gotten dui's, he buys things to grow illegal drugs in his house, he buys books on how to make illegal drugs, he abuses drugs. he's 10 years older than me, so while he was a teenager and would cause all these problems, i ended up getting shafted while my parents would be dealing with cops, shrinks, lawyers, everything. i remember countless night when the cops would show up at 4 in the morning and say 'mike did something stupid again.' and they would have to save mike's ass once again. see, my dad has had multiple marriages. and in his last marriage before my mom, he adopted mike because he was never supposed to be allowed to have kids. and mike's adoptive mom treated him like shit. when mike's mom and my dad divorced, mike's mom decided (when he was 8) that she didn't want him anymore, so she sent him for a visit to my mom and my dad's and that was that. he lived here. my dad has always preferred males over females, so, of course, mike has always taken top priority over everyone. my dad was very physically abusive to my mom's son (rick) from her first marriage. but then again, he was physically abusive towards mike. and my mom. and me. not so much my sister (beth) because she was in college when my parents got married. anyway, mike has always screwed up, lied and said he'd never do it again, then go out and do it again. he's very self destructive. the one time i screw up really big (the pregnancy), i'm treated like some kind of disease by my father. my whole life has been me trying to not do what my brother did. i stayed home on weekends, i never tried drugs, i drank alcohol a couple times and got really drunk because i was depressed and suicidal and i didn't want to live anymore. i've never caused my parents many problems. besides all my emotional problems. i had a lot of trouble when i went to high school. i started having panic and anxiety attacks every day, multiple times, and i got very, very suicidal. i started to self mutilate myself. i stopped going to school, which is why i'm behind in school. but regardless, my parents never had to deal with cops because of me. except once when i was 12 and i snuck out of the house with my cousin. but that was so minor it's not even funny. but, getting pregnant was my first big 'offense' and my dad acts like i killed someone. and my brother messes up so many times it's insane, and he gets treated like the golden boy. it's really annoying and tiring and i'm just sick of it. that's my big family rant, though it could go on for forever. but i'm not going to. josh and i talked about the stuff i wrote in my last entry. he didn't read it until after we talked, but, still. we talked about it. and he finally (it takes him awhile) told me what's been bothering him. i understand him being stressed out because tons of things are going on right now. it's hard to explain things between us sometimes. because even at there absolute worst, which isn't all that bad, i never worry 'will we break up?' because it's just not that way. we have definite bad times, but never to the point where we feel like we're breaking up. just like there's growing distance. if that makes sense. but when we talk about it, it's almost like nothing ever happened. but we come away with different knowledge. i've been thinking a lot about being in the hospital after the baby is born, because regardless of this event not happening, it is eventually. and i've been thinking about how i don't want people to come see me. or the baby. which may sound mean. but. i want josh and i to have her all to ourselves. i really do. i've been carrying her for like 10 months now, josh has had to deal with pitfall after pitfall, she's our daughter, i don't feel like sharing her with a bunch of punk asses who suddenly decide it's cool that we had a baby. family has to come, regardless. but i don't think i want my so-called 'friends' to come see me. they aren't friends. they haven't been friends, they just seem to think it's cool that i'm pregnant. like 2 years ago when i left school because i had mono and was just breaking down physically, mentally, and emotionally, no one called me to see how i was. it took them like a year and a half to contact me, but still, they never asked how i was. even my one friend who claims to be my best friend. she only acknowledges me when she needs something. i don't trust any of them. they are all way too slutty. they all do things that i don't want to be around, let alone i don't want the baby around them. i don't want them to come to the hospital. i don't even really want them to see the baby. i don't like them. i stopped liking them and trusting them and wanting to be their friends a long time ago. and i'm sick of feeling pressured into having friendly feelings towards them. another thing is, i'm getting sick of the first question out of everyone's mouth being 'no baby yet?' no, if there was a baby would i be sitting here, online? no. i wouldn't be. i would be in the hospital, or resting, or doing something else. and i'm getting sick of my mom asking me how i feel, and when i say fine she says something like 'damn it.' or 'darn it.' or something to that degree. everyone is acting like they are carrying the baby, they aren't. it's annoying. i'm just a big old bundle of happiness, aren't i? regardless, wednesday i find out when she is going to make her debut. and i just don't feel like writing anymore. 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