|
almost 2 weeks old. she will be 2 weeks old tomorrow. i can't believe it. it seems like time is standing still sometimes, but then it seems to be going so fast. she'll be 2 weeks old though! wow. last friday, the 21st, she had her 1 week check up. she gained weight (8 pounds 2 ounces now) and she's now, somehow, 21 inches, instead of 21 1/2. but whatever. she got her first shot, which was really hard for me. her little leg bled a little bit and it broke my heart. but she's fine now. she was fussy that day, then the next day. she even got a tiny temperature. but not enough to call the doctor. but the doctor said she was doing great. and since she gained weight, everything is going great with nursing. breastfeeding is a lot more challenging than i thought it would be. even after 2 weeks, sometimes it takes a little while to get everything situated the way it should be. but she's starting to wake up every 2 hours to eat, instead of just sporadically eating. so things are going along alright. the only thing i'm having a lot of trouble dealing with is the emotions. last week, i swear there were days i cried more than she did. i'm still having a lot of trouble with it all. being on call 24 hours a day, no matter what. josh is having trouble with me being sad so much. especially since after he and i started dating, i stopped being sad. because when i was with him, i forgot all about everythign that was bugging me or he'd talk to me about it and not make me feel like an idiot. he was like a therapist without the bill or the assholeness. it's just now there is nothing he can do because it seems no one understands when i try to explain to them what's wrong. i'm too concerned with not hurting anyone's feelings. and his feelings are really important to me. it's just things are bothering me and i don't know how to talk about them. i haven't had this problem since the beginning of our relationship. where he would have to drag things out of me, and still i didn't tell him everything. i just don't feel like talking about things because i know he wouldn't understand. which is a horrible thing to say. but it's true. i'm really sick of grandparents. when you are the parent, you just can't stand them sometime. and the fact that all of them are so in my face is driving me mad. i can't take my dad. because for the whole pregnancy, especially the beginning and even towards the end, he completely ignored the fact that i was pregnant. and now, all of a sudden, sarah is here and he's acting like he was excited the whole time. he barely acknowledged her or me. and i'm just sick of it. he is such a jerk too. the other day, he was actually folding laundry (which he never does. he never does anythign but yell and put people down) and he was yelling at my mom because she didn't hang his shirts up right away and he was yelling and complaining and putting her down. and i don't want sarah around that. she may only be tiny, but i grew up seeing him treat her this way, and i'm not willing to put sarah into this situation. so, i stopped eating dinner with them, i limit her access to my father, and i told my mom, i don't want the negativity around my daughter. i grew up thinking woman should be treated like dirt, and i will not let my daughter think that. my mom seems to be getting annoyed with the way he treats everyone. especially after she found out that he really does make up bad stories about me to make me look like a horrible person. we just found out that my uncle ray has lung cancer. honestly, it was no surprise, the man is so overweight his fingers are fatter than the keys on a piano and he smokes so many cigarettes a day it's disgusting. so, he told my mom i didn't say anything. but josh was there, i think i said something like 'that's a shame' or something. he was trying to get my mom mad at me, so he told her i ignored him. i just can't take it anymore. then there are josh's parents. during the pregnancy, i could tolerate them. now, everytime i see them i want to kill them. i really cannot stand them. i don't like the way they act like josh is just someone to brag about. they don't seem to really care to know him or care to really care about him. i know what he would say, he would tell me not to let it bother me because it doesn't bother him but i know deep down it does. it bothers me because i care about him and i don't like to see him get treated the way he does. it bothers me that they act like that towards josh, and i don't really want them around sarah. hell, there aren't too many people i want around sarah just because i can't stand them. and of course, josh's parents come over every couple of days. i just don't want to see them or really be bothered with them right now. when his mom is around i feel like i don't exist. she just takes sarah and acts like sarah is hers. and that bothers me. i mean, i don't mind her holding sarah or anything, but the other day she walked up to me and said 'here, give her to me.' i just feel like sarah is another thing josh's parents can brag to people about. they have a wonderful son who is really smart and everything that they can brag about, and now they have a grandchild they can brag about. and that bothers me. i just don't really like the way they do things. i don't trust them babysitting her because i don't really trust them. i wouldn't trust leaving sarah alone with them. but i feel like a bad person, like i can't say anything to josh because i don't want to hurt him. it's almost getting to the point where i don't care about anything anymore. and there's my brother, rick, who is just a big jerk. all he does is put people down, but the second anyone says anything to him, he goes off and tells them to go to hell. i just can't take it anymore. he's 34 and living in his moms basement. he has a girlfriend, his first 'serious' one in over 10 years i believe, and everytime he goes to her house, he ends up spending the night there. they've only been dating a month. and when he found out i was pregnant, he said 'yes! i was just hoping for that the other day!' like he was glad it happened. and it just hurts. he puts down everyone for everything. but no one can say anything to him or he'll get really mean and take cheap shots. like if i say anything to him, i'm little miss bitch. today he went to put his dogs out, and i was sitting at the computer, which is right next to the back door, and sarah was in the bouncer sleeping next to me and i said 'hold on, let me get the baby' and he got an attitude. he acts like he runs the house. i just can't take all of these emotions, feeling like i want to cry all the time, and everyone being just blatantly mean and annoying and not caring how i feel. i just really feel like curling into a ball and not coming out. i feel alone. i just. i don't know. i haven't felt any of these things for so long, at least not this intense. i haven't felt so hopeless and desperate and just.. i don't know. i feel like i'm going to cry now. and my mom bitches because i actually have a minute to write something, and she decides to come home and bring food, and i'm not jumping up and down. whatever. i just can't take this anymore. i really can't. Miss Anything? |
Content � ababystory | Design � Vitriol | Hosted by Dland |